lemme holler for a little while, just a little while. {hollers} yeah! thanks for waiting. after a fantasy-tic session with Peter Jackson's labor of love (he calls it lord of the rings), i thought i'd start searching for some ticks in the hair to pull out. great idea. dont have either on my head. so, back to the movie. amazing! how many oscars did the series win? 12 ?? wow. some academy they have in those parts. how did the dik get away with it? (scandalized folks plz note, we russians have a tendency to drink vodka & abbreviate according to our whims, particularly when we are drunk, tired & drunk, sleepy & drunk, working & drunk..get the picture, bright boy). so back to the movie. dude, that isnt LOTR by a long long shot. why doesnt dik try for javelin throw next year ?

lemme begin my tale of woe from the start. i got the movie after getting a lotta rave reviews for it. now that i am wiser, i realise that it was a doped doc whose advice i was folllowing. anyway, better to have a bad movie than a bad open-heart twin-valve pacemaker replacement surgery. so, we start the movie with an intro explaining the history of the ring. i got a bad feeling right then and there. i thought, this guy is taking far too much video time on a scene that could as well be put on voice-over. darn! i should listen to myself more often. so, i shook aside the cobwebs of doubt and watched with patience anew as gandalf makes his entry into the first scene. there you go again dik dude. when does frodo ride on Gandalf's cart dude? as far as i recall there was no warm fuzzy reunion at the road. but hey, this was a pecadillo compared to what came later in the movie. fast forward to the flight of the Hobbits from Shire. when in god's name were they directly pursued by the ring-wraiths? dude, i am not even referring to the text of the book. just recounting from memory. where was farmer cotton and his excellent meal of mushrooms? where was tom bombadil? where was fatty bolger? ok..lets go forward to the inn..the prancing pony. wasnt barlimann supposed to give these guys a letter by gandalf. hell, it screws up the entrance of poor Aragorn. hey! talking of aragorn reminds me, why isnt he called Strider except for once or twice in the movie. i even caught a whiff of Lord Aragorn being said in part two - the twin towers. ( now i am digressing).

ok, lets bring the litany of compliants one at a time (darn! there are so many). how does Arwen come into the picture with the scene on the river banks. hell, isnt she supposed to be the star of Elrond's eyes. so where does her fantasy ride on a horse come from. where's the chance meeting of the hobbits with the elves. and where, goddamnyou, is the character of Sam Gamgee? where is is fascination for Elves ? dude, how do Merry & Pippin get on the journey. they surely werent playing in a cornfield, halfway between Bree & Shire? and oh! yes, excuse me, but there is no mention of Rangers in the movie. ok. scene shifts to Rivendell, though dont ask me how. fine, before that, where is the fight? the crushed leaves of athelas that aragorn always carries with himself. he needs to relieve the pain of Frode. ok, now lemme get this straight. the shards of Narsil are supposed to be lying with aragorn or with the elves in Rivendell. dude, i am not even halfway through the movie and it already sounds like a new book to me..

In typical Tolkienesque fashion, i shall call it "The lord of the Wings: the movie of the West". Amen. now! letme find myself a suitable villain